If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Randomize
