I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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