Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
