just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
