So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Mom said you looked used
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
He? As in you personified your dick?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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