why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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