don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
