The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
