found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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