I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
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