She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
