Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
