dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
my sisters under your porch take her home
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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