Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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