If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
