How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
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I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
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I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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