ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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