just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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