STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
