just come out here and I will go home with you...
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
