last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
