if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
