Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
