If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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