I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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