Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
