I have demons in me.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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