I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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