So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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