What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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