What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
