so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
