you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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