how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
