I just pynch a tree in the face
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
