I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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