If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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