first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
