remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
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