dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
