Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
