I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
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Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
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its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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