Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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