ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
