When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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