Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
It's never too late to be topless.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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