So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
