Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
it's like iHOP with fire
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
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