She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
