You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
