Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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