i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
