i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
