So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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