Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
