I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
