while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
